Healthy relationships have disagreements. That is just part of sharing your life with another person. But there is a big difference between a partner who communicates poorly and one who is actively trying to make you question your own memory and sanity. That second thing has a name, and it is worth knowing how to recognize it and push back.

The term gaslighting actually comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, in which a husband slowly dims the gas-powered lights in his home and then flat-out denies the lights have changed when his wife notices. The goal? Make her doubt her own perception. The National Domestic Violence Hotline calls it “an extremely effective form of emotional abuse,” one that strips a victim of trust in their own feelings and instincts. It shows up in marriages, parent-child relationships, and even at the office.

So how do you know it is happening to you?

Dr. Jenny Martin, a clinical psychologist who specializes in domestic and intimate partner violence and founder of Gemstone Wellness, puts it simply. The clearest sign is a specific kind of confusion that follows a pattern. You walk into a conversation knowing what happened, and you walk out of it doubting yourself. That disorientation, she says, is data.

The tricky part is that gaslighting disguises itself as a normal argument about the facts. Your partner says you are “too sensitive” or that something “never happened.” Over time, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Anand Mehta, the goal is to make your version of events feel unstable so the other person’s version becomes the one that sticks.

Chloë Bean, a licensed marriage and family therapist and somatic trauma therapist in Los Angeles, draws a clear line between healthy conflict and gaslighting. In healthy conflict, two people can see things differently and still make room for each other’s experience. In gaslighting, one person dismisses or rewrites the other person’s reality entirely.

When you recognize it happening, the experts agree: the goal is not to win the argument. It is to hold your ground and stay anchored to your own experience.

Here are some phrases that can help you do exactly that.

“My feelings are valid even if you disagree with them.” This one is short, calm, and hard to argue with. You are not asking for permission to feel what you feel.

“I remember it differently, and I am not going to pretend otherwise.” You are not attacking their version. You are simply refusing to abandon yours.

“We can disagree about what happened without one of us being wrong or crazy.” This keeps the conversation from becoming a contest over whose reality wins.

“I need a few minutes before we continue this conversation.” Sometimes the most powerful move is stepping away before the confusion takes hold. Space helps you reconnect with what you actually know.

“I hear you, but I know what I experienced.” Four words do the heavy lifting here. “I know what I experienced” is an anchor.

“This conversation feels like it is going in circles, and I am not comfortable with that.” Naming the pattern out loud can stop it cold.

“I am not going to apologize for something I did not do.” This one is especially useful when gaslighting comes wrapped in guilt.

A few practical notes for using these phrases at home or at work. Keep your tone steady and matter-of-fact, not defensive. You do not need to raise your voice to hold your ground. If the other person escalates or doubles down, that reaction itself tells you something important about the dynamic you are dealing with.

If gaslighting is a regular feature of a relationship in your life, whether that is a spouse, a parent, or a supervisor, talking to a licensed therapist can give you tools that go beyond any single phrase. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is also available at 1-800-799-7233 for anyone who feels like a relationship has crossed into emotional abuse.

You know what you experienced. Do not let anyone talk you out of it.